My Ear Deceives Me

I've got this ear. Recently, it's developed a condition which I believe falls into the ETD category. Eustachian tube disorder, which sounds like something the transport workers' trade union might organise for commutors north of Watford. It's also given me glue ear which I can't shift.

Googling for remedies, I read that dairy products may make matters worse by increasing mucus output so in an effort to reduce dairy I thought I'd try substituting rice milk. On its own, I found it tastes like regular milk that's ever so slightly on the turn and with a spoonful of sugar added. It's not too bad if you like yoghurt and stuff, which I do.

However, it doesn't really mix with other foods like milk does. First, I tried making porridge. The result neither looked like porridge nor tasted at all pleasant. Secondly, I added it to my morning coffee. This proved worse: it totally failed to complement the bitterness with the usual creamy smoothness I look for, but it did give it added sweetness. That would be fine if I took sugar in my coffee - I could add fewer spoonfuls - but I don't.

Luckily, I've been taking my Redbush tea black for some time. I'll try the soya milk next but I won't get my hopes up.

old fart-lek

Following what seemed at the time like an interminable series of illnesses and injuries I’m glad to be back on track, running. It might be early days but I’m pleased to be able to say I run again, and this time I have the dog as my jogging buddy. Though it might not feel it at the time when I’m bowling along, afterwards, having run, and retaining the confidence that you really can run, it gives me a great sense of being and achievement; it’s liberating, both physically and mentally. Thinking about it, I do get it when I’m actually running, providing the humidity and the sun aren’t too high. Fleet of foot, the wind in the hair (some chance), that kind of thing. Superb.

To ease myself back in I’ve adopted my own interpretation of Fartlek which I’ll probably call old fart-lek. Basically, this is a Swedish training method and simply translates as Speed-Play. In practice in involves breaking up a long run into a series of shorter ones varying in effort, anything from, say, walking fast to sprinting flat out. The pace and duration of each leg designed to suit the individual and to allow for brief periods of stress followed by recovery while continuously moving. I’m sure there’s more to the science than I’ve explained but it’s a fun way, and a good way, to run. Blinding.

Running with the dog can be a bit comical. A comfortable pace for me is a tad too quick for the dog to walk normally but way too slow for her to trot, so we begin with her walking increasingly fast in a similar way to a cartoon dog, her legs speeding up to a blur until the lead gets tight and she has to give in and break into a casual trot whereby, soon after, the lead gets yanked in the opposite direction and I, with arm stretched out of its socket, get pulled along the road. When we get to the cross-country part, I’ll let her off the lead but this has its funny moments too. A narrow cut in a field of tall grass means we must go single-file but who goes first is a bone of contention. With dog out front, she seems gradually to slow down so I’m constantly worried she’ll just stop to smell something over ripe on the path and I’ll go arse over tit over a sniffing dog. However, if I get in front I feel her wet snout nudging the back of my calves all the way as if she’s telling me to get a bloody shift on, dawg, or move over. But mostly it’s the open lane, with me hacking up sputum owing to a juvenile tonsillectomy, and her panting due to an absence of sweat glands and making it sound like I’m running alongside Thomas the tank engine. Excellent.

I guess that’s f-fa-f-fa-f-fart-lek, folks!

sciatica II

The answer to last Tuesday's quiz was; (b) Osteopath.

From a patient's perspective, I'm still unsure what the difference is. Last time I had a body part requiring expert tweaking I was sent to Physiotherapy. As I recall, they didn't do very dissimilar things to my leg. Chiropractors, I think, are almost wholly an American invention; there they are permitted to adopt the title of ''Dr.'' which can be misleading especially as they're associated with human physiology and therapy. It can be open to abuse; probably why I was thinking quackery.

The osteopath was very good; in fact, it was better than going to the doctors. I had to pay ''at point of use'', mind, a thing that we British don't have to do in the NHS. Of course, we still pay but not ''at point of use''. As a result, without going into the politics, it's hard to know if you're getting ''value for money'' with the NHS, whereas you do know, almost immediately, with ''at point of use''. And I think I got it.

With the GP, no matter how nice they are, you get the sense of time-urgency. Sure, they have so many patients stacked up in waiting, they need you in and out in around nine minutes flat. I don't know what that costs you per hour but ''value for money'' you sense about 50 pence a pop. The Osteopath gave me a full 45 minutes. In that time we discussed my recent medical history, a brief explanation of sciatica, a physical and diagnosis, the therapy itself, including deep massage, a practical instruction in stretching exercises, a look into a totally unrelated complaint (as I had time left on the clock), a discussion on the recession, job opportunities, allotment gardening, being an osteopath, keeping active, and where I could park my bike safely if I ever needed his services again. If he'd offered to make us a nice cup of tea while we sat down to listen to a long-playing record, I couldn't have felt less rushed.

Don't get me wrong; I think the NHS is very important to a civilised society. But you can't help wondering if it's really working all that well.